friendship sails

I bid farewell to a good friend today, dare I say a best friend. She will be having life experiences for the next five months. I am melancholy on the subject but not desperately so. I have not had a close girl friend since I started dating.

I once felt somewhat pathetic about that. But upon further reflection I have come to a different conclusion. Two factors keep my quantity of close friends small. One... I don't take friendship lightly. I want to invest a great deal into my friendships, which naturally limits their number. Two... I have been burned. I have been taken advantage of, and it has made me wary. So I have had opportunities for friendship that I have not taken. Some were just because I didn't get the sense that the potential friend would ever get me. I have my eccentricities, and I prefer to spend my time with people who can appreciate them if not share them outright.

Thus I bid farewell to a unique and wonderful person. We will keep in touch and hope to cross paths again soon. If the winds are favorable...

WhoHoo... WhoHoo...

DD, that's who! Yes, she's still being an owl. I managed to get her to bed last night prior to 11pm, and I call that a victory. I keep waffling between thinking I must be doing something wrong that she's staying up so late, and throwing my hands up and calling it genetic. Her daddy stays up until at least 2am every night, and occasionally sees the sunrise.

We're having a big potluck at work on Thursday. My coworkers haven't seen the little bug for months and months. I'd love if she could join me for lunch. But, DH would have to bring her and I don't know if I could convince him to come hang out at my workplace for that long. Hrm.

I managed to boycott Black Friday this year, mostly out of laziness. I did do some online shopping during the week prior though. I already have gifts for DH and little bug. I still need to shop for my parents, brother and SIL, and niece, and some friends.

In other news, DH officially dislikes all of my ideas for what I want for Christmas. None of my suggestions suit his opinion of a proper gift, I guess. A knife sharpener, apparently, is not a good gift, nor are some books that I want. I guess he's on his own!

Two years

My child is two years and two months old now.

She reads little golden books easily, anything of about that level is perfect for her. Unfortunately she is still pretty hard on the pages... so we are still limited to checking out board books from the library. It is too bad, as she burns through them very quickly. I will definitely have to get her more books for Christmas.

Speaking of... I think we have come to a happy medium about Santa. DH is against passing off the myth as reality. But, DD has started to understand pretend,so that is what the jolly fat man shall be. One of these years I will have to make sure she doesn't spoil it for any other children... A parenting dilemma for another year.

Write Now

I will attempt to write something, anything, each day. It may not be written here. It may not be fiction. This is as much as I can muster for the eighth of August in the year 2011.

On Writing

I'm trying to dip a toe into writing land once again. The last time I did so in action other than thought was NANOWRIMO 2005. I "succeeded" back then (as much as one can call 50,000 words of spewage success). We'll see what happens this time around. I'm focusing on short fiction, still roughly in the fantasy genre. There's an online contest I'm considering entering. I've peeked at several short fiction magazines. There is also a writer's workshop at a con in May.

My first goal is to write regularly. I'd also like to present myself with the following advice:



I believe the credit goes to Ira Glass

I exist

The work title/salary thing is still stalled, but there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It involves the removal of a road block, and a boon from IT leadership. This, and the productive work I did today make the bringing home of bacon a bright spot.

The child is always awesome, but she's also been fostering exhaustion on the mommy figure. The child won't sleep until midnight, the waking at 4am, the mom who keeps dragging her butt in to work by 8am. Holy yawn. This is what I get for taking a few days off and letting the sleep schedule fall apart. She's always been a night owl, but this... .. .

Dance with Dragons is starting to get more awesome, at last, ~600 pages in. The return of a certain someone makes a big difference.

The husband has been a cleaning fiend. I am pleased.

Now, do I make a stab at bed and leave the child awake with Daddy? Or, do I tough it out and stay up until she goes to sleep. The former would seem like the wise sleep-deprived choice. But, I sleep poorly when there are childish noises in the house.

Ugh. I keep telling myself, no one gets to the end of their life and says, "I wish I'd slept more..."

I survived Daylight Savings 2011

I hate hate hate spring Daylight Savings. I hates it!

I was this close || to being back in a sleeping-through-the-night routine with Bug when the clock jumped ahead an hour and left me flat on my butt. Well, it will be a week tomorrow, and I will have survived... just barely.

The child refused to go to bed afore 11pm at any point this week. She also woke each night. So, I've been dragging myself to work each day on 6 hours of broken sleep. Don't get me wrong, the me that was a year ago would've killed to have this much sleep. It's amazing how quickly I can get used to it though, and crave even more, until I sip from the holy grail of 8 uninterrupted hours.

Is this what a crack addict feels like? I can't get enough, its all I think about. Alas, I don't think there is much in the way of professional help for this issue.

The end is nigh

... of winter that is. The sun actually shone today, and I felt warm enough in an over shirt, and my tomato seeds are sprouting.

It is too bad that I lost one hour due to daylight savings, and another to an early-waking child. But, 6 hours of uninterrupted sleep is doing pretty well these days. I just hope we can all adjust to daylight savings without too much fuss. I'm finally getting good at putting bug down at the right time so she sleeps through the night.

The rest of the weekend may include some combination of the following:
starting more tomato seeds
buying a computer game
buying clothing
returning some stuff to a library dropbox

Nothing new, everything old

My energy level has not improved. In fact, it has only declined. I'm exhausted. I'm lonely. I'm having the kind of dreams I have when I'm exhausted and lonely. I'm blogging about it. Poor me.

I was out with bug today, the sunshine was deceptive. There was a cold biting wind. I wished I'd brought my heavy coat. But, I'm glad I didn't, for I certainly didn't want to be warmer than bug. She had an overshirt and was tucked into a blanket in her stroller. The thermostat at home is similarly deceptive. I'm rather empty, my family is rather needy, and I have no more patience for this day... this winter. I hope our little bug is warm enough.

Tired? Lazy?

I don't know what it is with me lately. I don't feel like I have enough energy. ALL I want to do is sleep. Barring that, I'd love to curl up in some warm blankets with a hot cup of tea and read ceaselessly.

However, little bug would much rather have my attention, and I KNOW she would love to leave the house more often. I'm paying a premium for rights to go swim in the warm pool at the Y, and we haven't gone at all in the past two weeks. On work days, I come home feeling exhausted and still have dinner and bath to navigate. On weekends, I barely have the motivation to run our necessary errands like grocery shopping. Bug really needs more than a library trip once a week, especially since the weather is brutally cold and Dad doesn't take her out during the week.

Sigh.

So, I'm always about finding the cause of things, with the hopes of finding a solution. So, what could be the causes of my exhaustion?

C1: Bug waking me up to nurse in the middle of the night each night.
S1: Wean her. I plan to do this over spring break, when I can sleep in if needed

C2: Laziness begats laziness.
S2: Become acquainted with the treadmill at the Y or go for walks with bug.

C3: Some sort of chemical/hormonal imbalance.
S3: The days are slowly getting longer. The sun should be back in a week or two, I need some of it!

No definitive causes or solutions, and nothing I can do immediately except perhaps make a serious effort to hit the Y this evening and take bug swimming.

Third Saturday

Tis the third Saturday of my 4-day weekend. I am slowly kicking the crud out of my body. I have more energy today, as evidenced by a Costco run with daughter in tow. My periods of non-sneezing have lengthened. My throat is without pain, if not without extra sludge.

So, I thought I'd do my taxes, but I tried the guess-and-check method for my password one too many times. Now I must wait for my account to unlock. I also considered starting my Pepper plants, but I'm not sure I have *that* much energy. I should probably sterilize my potting mix, as the bag has been outdoors (though dry) all winter. I don't have energy for that either.

I've had plenty of time for reddit lately. Tis my new obsession. I have found recommended fantasy books, a XX chromosome section, and received just enough upratings to make me crave more.

Yes, I am that boring.

Unstructured Time

This is the first of four unstructured days. I do have some things planned, but no real firm timelines for them. I also don't really plan on completing anything major. I suspect I'll grocery shop at some point, start our taxes at some point, maybe start some red pepper seeds at some point.

Grandma is going to watch bug on Monday afternoon, but even then I don't have anything major in mind.

This is all a very good thing as I have a moderate cold. It started with throat yuck, then proceeded to nasal yuck, now its ascending to brain fog yuck. I'm so glad I'm not at work today.

Despite the yuck, there was a sunbeam outside and I couldn't resist. An overshirt was sufficient, as I went out and puttered in the yard, retrieved my seed starting mix, and started digging grass out of my potential strawberry bed. I'm thinking maintaining a trench around the bed is the best way to keep the grass out. Then the bed will be raised with bricks. Bricks worked well for my tomato bed...

Bug followed me around outside, typically with fists full of soil.

Dreams, Kindle chat, end of humanity

I've remembered more of my dreams lately. One in which GRRM died (the horror!), another in which I was coughing up blood (it was annoying but not earth-shattering) and another in which I was pulling splinters the size of vampire-slaying stakes from the bottoms of my feet. Also annoying.

There was one in which I was working to start a special preschool. It still seems like an awesome idea.

In Kindle news, when it comes to the subject of Facebook chat, Kindle is a big fail. Maybe there's a different link or source for mobile chat, but I wasn't able to reply with the standard chat at all. But, without it I wouldn't have been able to reach Facebook from work at all. So, its still a bonus.

Tonight I will watch the final Watson vs humans episode of Jeopardy. I hope computers like human pets in the future...

Garden 2011

My brain is firmly in garden mode. A sunny 48 degrees will do that to me.

The baby and I wandered and puttered out in the back yard. We wore only overshirts, in dark colors to soak up the sun. I moved some leaves around. I pulled up some baby carrots that just might still be edible. I dreamed.

Yesterday I visited the seed store. I dreamed.

I picked up an impromptu book from the library on gardening in my region. I dreamed.

I have two stern warnings for myself this garden year.

1. Beware cats. If you don't protect it, it will end up full of sh*t.
2. Beware earwigs. If you plant something they like, it will FAIL.

This means using plenty of wire mesh over every garden bed I prepare. This means not bothering to plant things like corn and carrots. This means not trying too hard to bait or trap the earwigs. I spent too many years fighting them tooth and nail. I need to accept that I shall only grow that which does not appeal to the earwig palate.

Familial obligations, check!

It is my SIL's birthday today. I brought her a gift card and couple of cheap things I picked out. A gift card alone just feels wrong to me... so she also got a journal and some scrapbooking decor.

Next I went to my aunt's house (about 6 blocks away) and helped her hook up her fax machine and computer. I had hooked them up the first time, but they got moved and then they didn't work. I didn't realize the fax machine required a special cord, but I figured it out before too terribly long, on low blood sugar no less! She insisted on giving me a $20 and a huge stack of books for Bug.

I had Bug with me the whole time. She was pretty good all things considered.

Now, I'm home, starving, drinking a beer and cooking a doctored Red Baron pizza (pepperoni plus black olives, onion, and green pepper with some shredded mozzarella on top). I'm starving. I know I said that already but I mean it!

I was kinda dreading all of this going and doing on a week night but I found the energy somewhere, somehow.

Perils of checking work email from home

I just got home, checked personal email, and checked work email. Then for some strange reason I decided to check work email AGAIN. In the span of 30 seconds I had received a warning message from my server. Loosely translated: "hundreds of people are now unable to access the web site, you'd better push the easy button!"

Alas, I am home, and I don't have a link to the easy button (the remote server application). So begins the quest...

The link has mysteriously disappeared from my gmail, but I think I can type it in from memory. Only, I'm typing on our toddler's computer and her keyboard has no colon! So, I go and copy one from the character map. Then I try to load the site but it won't connect. I sigh, realizing I must load up VNP first. So, I load up VPN but it hasn't been installed on this computer before. So, I have to install it. Finally, I reach the remote server site, and it says I need a newer version of Java. So I have to install that. FINALLY I get in to the remote server app and press the easy button.

All is well now.

I really need to get that server problem fixed...

I tried, I tired

I tried to make a post from my Kindle last night. I can't even recall what it was about now... but my Kindle locked up and my post left my brain and I decided that sleep would be a far better use of my time.

Of course my child didn't get that memo, because she woke up last night and after trying to nurse her back to sleep (yes, at 16 months, no I am not a lactivist) she proceeded to fuss off and on for the next hour or more. Sigh.

I thought I had the secret formula of night sleeping... Having a good snack before bed, having her digestive health in order, being snuggled in her sleepsack, putting her down in her crib before she's comatose. All of the above resulted in three blissful nights of sleep for a mother who forgot what uninterrupted sleep felt like.

Alas, no repetition of the above formula has worked again for the past 3 nights. "It gets better" seems to be the mantra of the sleep-deprived parent. But, when better gets worse, you can keep your mantras. I'll take an extra hour of sleep.

Taoism and willful circumstance

I can't remember why... but I was looking up the works of Ursula Le Guin the other day. I had picked up an Earthsea book in Jr High, but I couldn't get into it for some reason. Perhaps it was over my head... After all, my preferred genre was the Black Stallion series at that time.

So, I looked up some Earthsea books, and bemoaned their lack of availability on the Kindle. Of course the public library has them. So, I pencil in Earthsea on my unwritten mental list of stuff to read.

A few days later, on the way home from work, I stumble into a fascinating interview on the BBC. The subject is an aged female author. I listened with interest, especially when the interviewer tries to pry out information about the author's translation of Lao Tzu. I am drawn in by the discussion of Taoism, Lao Tzu's subversiveness, and the non-religious qualities of the philosophy. I stay in the parked car in front of my house listening to find out who this author is, just to be certain. But, I already know. Fate does this to me frequently. It is Ursula Le Guinn.

Her book on Taoism is available at the library just up the hill from me. I will have to fetch it soon. Today perhaps.

Migration

The last box spilled its contents into my new cubicle today. People have been asking me how I've felt about moving. In some ways I haven't been entirely honest because I know my absence is bemoaned. I say, "I think it's a good career move." and leave it at that.

To some extent, I haven't really stated my opinion of the move because nothing is certain. I don't really feel as if something has happened until it manifests itself upon my reality and rubs my nose in it (see above note about box contents). So, now that it's actually happened, now that my first and only workplace destination on Monday will be my new cubicle, I can finally release my full opinion, at least into the cybervoid.

My most selfish internal emotion is excitement. I am excited! I like change. I like the totally bare nature of my cubicle. I like that I don't feel as if I've moved into something someone else left behind (as with my last move). The drawers are empty. I've arranged the furniture. I even have some notions for how I'd like to decorate. I'm going to be using a dual-monitor system, a first for me, though I've helped my boss with his setup and he's been singing its praises for some time.

I'm excited about being around some new people, some people who can push me and challenge me and maybe even compensate me if I perform well. I'm excited about being away from some negative energies that clung to my prior locale. I'm excited about the excuse to explore some wardrobe and accessory updates. My new location has a higher standard of dress than my previous one. I'm even considering a haircut.

On the flip side, I do have reservations. I have some social connections in my prior locale that will sorely be missed, one that may even be reading this. But, that is my only selfish reservation. The majority of my reservations are driven by guilt, and the reality that I will not be as available to some of my coworkers as I have been in the past. People relied upon me DAILY at my prior location. I scarcely made my goal today of moving to my new place because of the long list of requests. I will visit my previous location two mornings a week-ish, but I will not be nearly as accessible as I used to be.

So, there. There are my feelings about my migration.

For another post: A newish coworker mentioned the other day that I'm hard to read.

Dilemma

My first dilemma of the year... Wait two whole days and check out a book from the beloved local library or buy now for nine bucks on the kindle. I suppose I will make the responsible choice. I alreadyhave one library book in my posession that needs reading anyway.

I think I shall look into transferring my recipes to the kindle though.

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